Broody smiling pic by Ithan Hurd
I’ve been gone a while. A year and a few days in change to be exact. I left for so many reasons – I was frustrated that what I was doing, though I loved it, wasn’t translating the way I wanted it to. I used to say that I’m doing this for hearts and not just eyes but at a certain point, I wasn’t sure if there were any hearts and eyes showing up in the first place.
To be honest, I was okay with not having a website for the unforeseeable future. It was a lot of work and what was to start as a habit to get me writing a book ended up being a channel of doubt for me. Not because it was bad, but because I saw the numbers on here and I’d ask myself, “If this much people are reading articles on my website, how many then are going to buy my book? Lord, will you have me write a book that no one reads after I’ve printed it in the thousands?”
Like I said, it wasn’t the website. In fact, I had started on the book but the moment I stopped writing on my website, the book died too. And I had gone pretty far.
So why am I here again?
Because God made it so clear to me this year (after saying much about my writing last year) that if I stop writing, I’ll lose that ability. Will I become illiterate? No. What He meant is that He’ll close the door of anointing for this gift He lavishly gave to me.
When I heard that, loud and clear, I was shook! Shook! Lord! I was shook!
God is the legit businessman and He invests where there’s going to be return. He’s not asking us to use what He gave us so that it yields nothing. He’s the God of increase, multiplication, the giver of dreams and revelation. When He says something, He’s simply saying you’re solid because He’s your guarantee.
And I’m realizing I forgot that over time.
Let Down Your Nets For A Catch
Luke 5:2-11 is one of those scriptures that leaves me breathless especially at this point in my life with my entire field of dreams – my writing, music, business and passion for media.
I’ve tried. I’ve put in years of effort. I put up posts on my website. I started working on an album. I started a business with hopes that it would grow. I did a lot. And the returns and challenges left my heart raw and gutted.
But this season, God is saying it so loud I can’t pretend I can’t hear Him.
“Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.”
And like Peter’s immediate response, I have a truckload of buts. Truckload. I have evidence and proof if the scar on my chest above my heart isn’t enough.
“Lord, I had a website. I wrote almost every day. It didn’t work. I started a business. I put my all into it. It didn’t grow beyond a certain point. I tried the music thing, but I couldn’t afford it and back when I could, my producer did me wrong. I’ve done it many times before and I had hopes for them all before. But at your word…”
At your word, I will let down my nets.
The story goes that Peter and the rest of the fishermen got a catch so big they couldn’t haul it in or handle it alone so they got help from the neighbouring fishermen (who had undoubtedly caught nothing the whole night too).God always says more. He promises more and does big - bigger than we can dream, ask, hope, pray or imagine. Click To Tweet
I lost hope sometime toward the end of last year after a series of events and this year, God isn’t letting my heart fail. He won’t let me. And I don’t want it to.
The places that suffered are my trust in God (I let my experiences shout louder than who He is), my dreaming with God (dreaming became painful and a sort of make believe that may not become reality) and my hope (which is the joyful expectation of a good to come).
And that’s what I’m putting forward to God so He can breathe life again to that which He put inside of me.
My husband has been a wonderful vessel of encouragement, rebuke (coz he sees my blind spots) and support. So thankful for that.
So this is me, again. Casting my net, again. With hopes for a catch, again. So I can truly get to see the vaulting scope of God’s dream for me.
If you’re in a similar place like mine, especially with your art and creativity, I pray that my words on this here website and what I’m learning will be life to you even as they are life to me. And that the oil upon your gift may have more vessels (dreams upon dreams) to fill. May your gift make room for you and never run dry.