Miscarriage Support

Epiphanies In The Dark

Have I ever said how much I love to write on here? Because I do. I really do. In fact, writing has been to me what action is to thought. I reason best with fingers pushing keypads as I browse through the pages of my mind. I can’t help it. Where words fail me, writing flows best.

I’m at the sort of halfway mark with the book. Could be further but the saying, “You can work (write a book in my case), have a thriving love life and have friends; but never all three at the same time,” is somewhat true. I tried to divide my time between the book, rest, my husband and friends. That proved challenging but I got by. The friend part has suffered a little though.

Why I’m writing this is because I’m at the point where I’m finding myself having to answer to the premise of the book in real time rather than through my past as I have been exploring. Feels like I should have seen this coming. This obvious riddle standing between me and my after. And it asks, “Do you believe it? Do you really believe what you’re writing about?”

The strange thing, the very strange thing, now is that with all the questions and wonderings swirling about in my mind, with all the silence, God feels close. Is He saying something? Perhaps. It’s probably what He’s always said many times before to me. “I AM here.” He could have whispered it again but instead of using words, He’s showing it.

At my darkest, He swirled me with warmth, a hug that was sort of like how it would feel like being alone in a car with one of those house heaters. I remember asking the cab guy if he’d put the heater on, twice, only for him to say no. Presence is always the best answer. Here looks better when it’s in front of you, holding you, sticking around.

As for the question, I wasn’t taken by surprise. More like unconscious as to when it would come but knowing it would surely come.

This is the part where I labour to land the message with an analogy.  You know, try to make the epiphany sticky. Okay. Here goes. So, you know rain clouds and how they’re formed? The sun shines on a body of water or trees. Evaporation takes place. Then condensation happens forming rain clouds which then produce rain.

Water given is lost and then gained back again in increased measure. Click To Tweet

That’s where I’m at. At the impact of His presence, His warmth, His question, and knowing that He’s looking for rain. Rain brings yield and fruit and change. The very things I’ve been praying for.

This book is not just a collection of stories and musings. It’s God’s narrative in all of our lives. It’s a record player on loop saying redemption, hope, it’s not over loudly, every second. Without pause. Without hesitation.

I suppose a question is asked to everyone before they cross over into their next season to prove if they’re worthy. And the answer to mine is clear.

“Yes He is. God is good.”


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