Dreamy pic by Ithan Hurd
“I will never forget the night God showed me the importance of believing in my significance. That night, I dreamed someone wanted to give me a grand piano but I told them no, because my house was too small for it. I thought I could use a baby grand or maybe even a little upright piano—it just needed to be something smaller than the huge piano they wanted to give me. But in the dream I heard God say, “Your calling is too big for your house right now and you don’t believe you will fit your calling. You need to believe in your significance, Kristene, because I am giving you a grand-piano calling. We aren’t settling for an upright. Whether you like it or not, this is what you’re getting. But you have to be ready for it.”
– Kristene DiMarco
This article has come to mind today as I reflect on some things God has said in the past. As I look at my life right now, it’s no surprise where my heart has been. The answer to the question was that I too didn’t think I fit in my calling.
The words went something along the lines of wonderful, powerful and great and somewhere down the line, it looked impossible. As I reflected on this yesterday and this morning, I realized that what God said came 7 months after my trying for a TV gig, and 3 months after trying for another TV gig. If you used to catch up on articles on my website back in 2015, you’ll remember the one.
I guess after trying, I hadn’t built the muscle that processes rejection positively. In fact, I have protected myself from it for years. So to me, I had done great! I had tried twice, got rejected and was going to take a back seat before trying again. And that self-preserving back seat became my life.
Looking at that word almost 2 years to the day this morning, I’m looking at the passing of time and wondering, “Why is it so hard for you to believe you fit in your calling Koki? Even if you weren’t a Christian, no one rolls out the red carpet without a fight, so why can’t you see how you fit so perfectly in your calling? Why?”
I started my YouTube channel sometime in March to just do it. Initially, my plan was to grow it and then hopefully get approached by a media house because the consistent response I’d get is, “What are you doing now? Is there any work you’ve done?” And my answer would always be a quiet no.
But that’s safe. That’s not wanting to start from the bottom where I should have been 6 years ago. God can push back time but you have to start right where you left sometimes. And for me, that’s going to be the bottom.
My husband says some things to me in passing, and to be honest, lately, I can see the truth to the jokes he makes. I may say that I do, but I don’t yet quite believe that I fit in my calling.
We were supposed to get new phones but I traded mine for this website and one time, on our way home, I said,
“I can’t wait for you to buy me a new phone.”
“Keep talking like that and you’ll miss opportunities this year.”
“It’s not that I think I won’t be able to get myself a phone this year (Me pretending he wasn’t right), it’s just that you promised and I rather like it.”
“You don’t think you’ll be able to get it yourself.”
It’s true. Oh boy. I remember watching a particular episode on The Middle and Frankie telling Sue how she’s their Trier. She tries and tries and even though she doesn’t get anything, Sue’s spirits never get broken. This was at a point where Sue had just flat out given up. Hearing this, that she’s good at something (even if it’s just trying) renewed Sue’s hopes again and off she went to try out for something improbable, like winning a hands on a car contest (which she won, by the way).
I wept (is probably the number one phrase in all my posts. Lol) as I watched Sue pick herself up again. And in retrospect, perhaps I should have moved beyond the tears and tried again in a bigger way. I probably tried small. That Sue Try Again spirit is what I need again. Maybe that’s my indefinite word – again.
It’s all back to casting my net, again. On the sea of dreams that I’ve been floating on, again. In hopes for a catch, again, like I shared here. Dear God help me! Help my unbelief. Help me believe.
I traded in some of the things I’ve been holding on to lately like some expectations, my reputation (still dying this one. Long story but I’ll share one day. It’s not what you think), and my career (or lack of).
I’m ready to begin again. Clean slate. And with that Sue spirit, I’m ready to try, try, try again.