Marriage

Let’s Talk About Sex Part 2

Love struck pic by Ithan Hurd

Read Part 1 here.

This one’s for all the young girls out there longing for freedom. Don’t give away what you’ve got before you know or realize how valuable it is.

***

I don’t know why every nation has their own Maina Kageni and Mwalimu Kingángi. Every nation has to have someone we can blame for airing the underbelly of our society. We hate the content, but it’s a snapshot of our lives.

Perhaps they are the brave ones that get us talking about the things that make us sick. Perhaps they’re necessary. But I always feel the conversations are half addressed, always put before us but never resolved. There’s never a wholesome way forward.

And the truth is, we’re aching.

I felt the same with Maury (one of America’s TV Maina Kagenis but with a PhD in Jerry Springer madness reality TV)

I happened to be flipping through channels one day and stumbled upon the Maury show on CBS. It was my first time watching and the topic that day (though slightly sanitized than his other topics) was about mothers wanting to find out if their 15 year olds were pregnant, doing drugs and having sex.

The thing that didn’t surprise me at all was that each of the girls said that they do it all to escape. They’d run away from home for days and months, one even started prostituting, and some would disappear from home preferring to sleep in abandoned houses.

Why? To escape. To feel wanted. To feel appreciated.

Do you know the number 1 reason ladies have sex is to hear the words 'I love you?' Click To Tweet

Many legs have parted because of that promise. And many have been disappointed because sex does not always equate love.

***

I almost lost my virginity at 13.

13.

There was this guy I liked from school who asked me out (only because he broke up with his dream chic and even though I knew that, I said yes. I lied to myself that I waited it out and won when really, he was playing us both, me more than her). He wore glasses that made him look helpless when he’d take them off. He was good at Math and Science, but artistically talentless I suppose. But his smile was enough for me to pick him.

I remember when I suggested it to him. He looked away (probably didn’t see that coming, lol) then turned back at me smiling and said, “No. No need to.”

I said okay but deep down, I decided at that moment that he was a giant wuss because, c’mon! Who says no? I was 13 going on 21 and I was speeding off the tracks.

I repeated the same question to the guy I made out with under the trees at 15 and later to the sweet guy I grew up with and thought I’d marry who happened to be my high school sweetheart.

They both said no.

See God and a mother’s prayers!

***

There’s a weight of responsibility that comes with freedom.

But our young minds can look at it all like limits and prisons. We want to grow up and do grown up things, us in our mummy-bought-panties-and-bras living our paid for lives. We’re so utterly clueless.

In the show, the girls’ fathers were nowhere to be seen. So the girls blamed the mums. The viewers blamed their mums. And the mums were utterly helpless. You know you’re out of options if you turn to a Jerry Springer type show for your saving grace. I guess Casting Crowns called it in their song ‘What if His People Prayed’. The line goes, “What if the family turned to Jesus, Stopped asking Oprah (Maury, Maina Kageni) what to do.”

Ain’t that the truth!

I do get where the mamas were coming from. And it bruised me hearing the audience members saying nasty things to them (who probably did the same stuff at that age but didn’t get caught or have a pregnancy to show for it) like: “You’re not parenting them enough. You’re not trying hard enough.”

We never really know the heights and depths a mama can go so I guess that’s half the story.

There’s an ocean of desire that envelopes our adolescent bodies and boy do we want to ride.

Back in my all girls high school, the girls would ogle at the on-campus teachers’ and matrons’ sons. They even had a nickname for them – Boma wildlife.

Seeing a boy our age who lived so close to the dormitories in school was a rare sighting and a reminder of what we were missing out on – masculine eye candy. Haha! Some brave girls even went ahead to become their friends. Some even flirted with them as the rest of us died with envy. I guess the risk of getting suspended couldn’t outweigh the desire to have a guy friend.

***

We want freedom. We want to make our own choices. And that feels out of reach sometimes because of age. I hear you.

But like my friend Mary once said, “There’s an elevated sight those in authority (like our parents have) that trumps our own.”

We want the highs. They know the lows.

We want the freedom. They know the weights it comes with.

We want the dream. They know the nightmare that can come with it if you’re not prepared to nurture the dream.

And the love dream is a garden. It needs work.

In retrospect, waiting to have sex is important because you need to understand what you’re giving away. You need it to be part of a life-long investment with someone who’s just as invested as you. Not for now or some time, but forever.

Because few of us lose our virginity or get robbed of it. We tend to give it away. Click To Tweet

And if you’ve walked into a CU service you probably heard them quoting that Song of Solomon line: Daughters of Zion, don’t awaken love until it so desires. It is repeated 3 times in several chapters.

And this is true. You can surf calmer waves or get whipped by the tsunami of unpreparedness. Click To Tweet

Waiting is not about getting pregnant though that grows you up real fast.

Waiting is not about getting diseases though that can make your precious body waste away.

Give a grown up gift to a child and they’ll misuse it. They’ll throw it in the mud, toss is away and throw a tantrum wanting another without knowing the treasure they just wasted.

I didn’t wait till marriage to share myself within the sanctuary of covenant. I talked about it here and also here And if I could go back, I would do things differently. I would.

I opened up a door of confusion, fear and guilt by doing so. Sex outside the institution of marriage does that to you.

And folks can say that’s just me but deep down, if they listened to their hearts, they’d hear the questions and wondering gnawing at them post-coitus with a person who promised them the moon and their heart.

The questions get louder with every sexual encounter.

Do I matter? Am I enough?

And every wondering will either lead you to realize you’re worth or into the arms of another who provides an answer but never the solution.

You don’t need to slide between some sheets to feel that you matter even for a moment.

No one says it, but it’s probably harder to wait. I guess that’s one reason why it’s called self control. You have these wild emotions coursing through you and all these windows and you have to just pass. It takes nothing short of willpower.

And because of that tunnel vision, you will live in the fruit of every pause, every time you wait because you will awaken love when it’s the right time.

Don’t be cheated though. Sex is good! Sex is fun! Sex is thrilling! Sex is wholesome!

But it can rapture your heart wide open when shared with the wrong man/woman.

Like I said in part 1, there’s a do over.

I’m a do over success story.

It’s never too late to realize that you’re so worthy.

So don't give yourself in pieces. Love and sex needs all of you and all of him too. Click To Tweet

And if that’s not enough to take your time in letting God lead you to your forever love, then I don’t know what is.

xo darling,

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