Marriage

Let’s Talk About Sex

Lucky I’m In Love With My Best Friend Pic by the ever so talented Ithan Hurd

“There’s a growing awareness that something beautiful between men and women is being lost in the rush to be sexual.” ― Paula Rinehart

The first man I ever slept with got a speech and a half. I spent two hours explaining what sex meant to me and why it was big that I chose him. I had had numerous opportunities before but I made the call to share myself with him. And I explained and explained and EXPLAINED and even quizzed him on the highlights. It’s so Meredith Grey of me, I know. But the moment was big. I knew it. I wanted it to be more than just about sex. I wanted it to be more than about our bodies. I was inviting him to know me and be known by me and I needed him to grasp the gravity and depth of my permission to let him in. And maybe a part of me that inspired the quizzing was a red light shining before my eyes telling me I wasn’t sure and should wait.

But my mind was made up. Whether we were riding this train or not was up to me. And that yes was a ticket to a world of hurt because you can’t find fruit where there’s no planting. You can’t find true pleasure and intimacy outside of covenant. And covenant is binding. It’s deeper than commitment which is prone to waning. Commitment says, “I’m in this” one moment then says, “It’s not you, it’s me. I’ve changed,” in the next. Commitment says, “I love you and I’m willing to explore how far this goes, how far us goes.” This is not Nat Geo. This isn’t an expedition to Everest or the Grand Canyon. This thing is deep. Sex is a bonding (mind, body, soul and spirit that’s why making out counts as sex) that is as powerful as death. That’s why it asks for all of you. And if love began with you giving all of yourself, it will only be sustained the same – asking for all of you.

As women

I always say that as women, we’re not a sort of alms to give ourselves away out of compassion. We are rare gems – pink or yellow diamonds. We’re born with deep roots of connection that spur lifetimes. That’s why with every relationship or sexual stint (months or years) our soul thins with every separation and ending. You were born for the long term, for forever. Motherhood is the clearest example but it’s one of our roots. Relationships with friends (male and female), family (your kids too) and with your husband are the rest. That’s why a woman who knows and loves God is quite something. We give ourselves wholly and staggeringly not because we’re broken but we’re uniquely designed for that. It is the hurt of rejection, disappointment, bitterness and the like when our love isn’t reciprocated after we’ve given of ourselves that poisons our roots with fear. We end up giving bits of ourselves and leave the rest in hiding. It’s not supposed to be that way.

If women are oceans, the men who love them in return are the waves. There’s this rhythmic mind, body, spirit dance when you are bonded right (marriage). It brings with it freedom to know yourself deeper, to become more of yourself and to express this becoming. Outside of the sanctuary of marriage, us oceans are restless, full of tempest, storms and waves that whip us black and blue. We can barely recognize ourselves. We become this distorted version of ourselves. The Bermuda triangle is like a woman scorned. Her love and deep roots become destructive, no longer healing but leaving a trail of brokenness because sex outside of marriage corrupts the soul of a woman and poisons her roots.

We were born to love – to love God, to love the people He created and to share your life (if you choose) with a man in marriage. A woman’s heart and how she loves is a picture of how God loves. He doesn’t give His heart in pieces. It’s all or nothing. It’s either you’re in or you’re out. He doesn’t ask us to do what He Himself does not. It’s the reason why He calls Himself a jealous God. I mean, wouldn’t you be chica?

I always used to say that the only way to love me is to drown. If you get the heart of it, it’s not sadistic. It’s a picture of how as women, our hearts are oceans, deep, vast and endless. The only way to know us is to go deep and even then, you’ll only be scratching the surface. This is the same with God.

Now, as women, that is our power. Precious things are rare and you may have learned that the hard way or maybe you’re wondering what the societal fuss (think music, TV etc) is about regarding sex and a woman’s body.

The reason many of us defy the “Don’t have sex before marriage” bit that gets chanted to us is because many of us aren’t told why. Okay, God doesn’t like it they say. Okay. Why? Because He designed it for marriage they say. But there are all these feelings I have now. Do not awaken them before their time they say. Okay. When is the time? In marriage they respond. And the dance goes on and on until you decide for yourself who wins but I pray you get to know why without going the route of premature experience out of curiosity or longing. Maybe, just maybe, some of us learn the hard way because those warning us about it aren’t honest about it or their experiences firstly to themselves, then to us.

The power of sex

In matters regarding sex, a woman holds the power. It’s in her permission. She can tell a man no, or yes. I’m not talking about marriage here. I’m mostly referring to the way things go regarding sex in other situations between two consenting adults. If the guy is respectful, your yes or no is key. That’s power. And with your permission and because of your deep roots, you’ll want to know where it’s all going or if he’s in it for the long term, how the future looks like or what your part is in the story. It’s not a chink in your make up. You were designed to have forever and depth in mind. So shallow or casual sexual relationships will ruin you. We tend to have it much worse than the men in the aftermath of broken sexual relationships.

“If he wants her just for her body, that splits her. It means that she is good to him only for a part of her. That’s why when she’s slept with him, she wants to know where the relationship is headed. She wants to be integrated. She craves it. She wants to know that he will be there in the morning, and the next morning, and the next morning. She wants to know that beyond the sex, he loves her, he wants her – all the time.”

― Rob Bell

That’s why giving a man permission to have sex with you clouds you to the bigger picture and you end up longing to invest in something that was broken in the first place. Sex is never casual. There are always feelings attached. I’m tired of movies (leading ladies, think Trainwreck) and other women pretending that you can separate emotions from sex. You can postpone the realization of the aftermath, but giiiiiiiiiirl, you weren’t made that way. Sooner or later, you will get to the point where you realize that you’ve been living a less than reality than you deserve and even if you’re ashamed to admit it, deep down you want more than just sex and commitment that isn’t accountable.

In retrospect

What I wish I knew before it all, with clarity, what I wish I embodied with all of me was my “The only way to love me is to drown” platitude. Giving yourself in sex (the pleasure and intimacy of it) was meant to be a knowing of yourself, not a losing of yourself. That’s why marriage (covenant) is the place where God reserved it for. You end up giving up a measure of your independence to take up responsibility for each other in marriage. It is freedom with responsibility that is true freedom. That is why covenant needs protection and marriage needs boundaries. Sex is an investment. It’s the enjoyment of a glue or bonding that spurs the lifetime of your “I Do.”

I’ll say it again: Sex is an investment not an experience that cheapens it to being shared with people that appear for short spurts (months or a few years) in the length of your life. Sex is not a commodity used for the exchange of pleasure or love. Don’t give away something precious before you know what you have.

No man is worthy who asks for a part of you. You are not a commodity. Sex alone as a carrot stick to the possibility of a life together shouldn’t cut it. That’s gambling honey. Making bets has brought you this far but how about investing? Go all in in this thing called love and look for someone willing to do the same. Then watch your investment multiply into a storehouse of pleasure and intimacy that blesses every other part of your life with your husband.

Dedicate your life, mind and body (even reproductive organs) to God. You may ask, “What for” but whenever you have sex outside of where God designed it (for marriage) even when you and said guy end up getting married, you open the door for the devil to have legal right to bring your world upside down even in your marriage once you both get married. Why? Because you entered this thing the wrong way with your sexual foundation built on the enemy’s corrupt thinking behind sex and God will not bless something that does not give Him glory. There’s a pattern to the whole marriage thing and a church wedding can end up being an event devoid of the presence or approval and blessing of God.

PS: It’s not gloom and doom though. If you built your marriage on the wrong sexual foundation, there’s a restoration and deliverance available to you to take back the enemy’s legal right over your marriage so you can give it over to God.

When God wants to bless you, He brings a person in your life. When the enemy wants to destroy you, he brings someone into your life. So listen carefully to the words a man says. In my case, after rededicating all of me and my members (physical unto God) a friend (that I had physically and emotionally been entangled with for years) got transferred to co-pilot an airline’s Ghana route. I was in Ghana for 2 months and some days so, yikes! No smoke signals needed. I knew it was trouble. And the brother was right on time to test my faith and commitment to my rededication to live a godly life with all of me. To be honest, I almost made one dumb decision after the other, but his words sealed it. One seriously dumb situation: Chilling at his hotel room where there’s air conditioning because Accra is hot and humid. Excuses will be the end of us!

Him: So when was the last time you had sex?

Me: I don’t know. Maybe sometime last year. I decided it’s marriage or bust for me.

Him: So no sex at all?

Me: Yes. Until I get married.

Him: Wow. I don’t even think I can do that. No. I don’t think I WANT to do that (laughs).

Me: *Smiling back at him but burning with shame realizing that he’s sort of dissed me and then the what-am-I-doing-here-again realization*

The red lights go on and off like a siren. I realize that there’s nothing there for me. So I should high tail and cut ties with the guy, right? Right. But I still longed to hang out with a friend so I told him, “If you touch me, I will die,” every time we’re together. It was cryptic, I must admit, but he honoured it by sitting on a chair and me on the bed whenever we hang out. There was another guy sent too, maybe because trouble comes in twos, but I was able to stand somehow. Probably because God was just battling it out for me because my finger was resting ever so slightly on the self-destruct button even when I could have just let go of the darn thing.

Around the same time when I was aware that there was no future for him and I but was still hanging out with him, God gave me dreams to confirm who my husband was going to be. He even dropped into my heart our children’s names. I remember excitedly going to my pal’s hotel room and telling him about my children’s names. He probably thought I was psycho. Hahaha!

The beauty of covenant

Fast forward a little, me and the guy God told me about end up getting into a relationship on January 9th of the next year (less than a month after the Accra shenanigans) because God was also preparing him on the other side in Kenya telling him about me. You know him by now if you’re not new to the blog. A big testimony for us is that David and I walked in purity (sexual and in the mind/thoughts though the mind one needed a lot of God’s help) till marriage because of the grace of God and despite our sexual past. The point of all this is to let you know that once you dedicate your life, your body and choose to wait till marriage to share the glue and gift that is sex, your decision and commitment will be tested. And sometimes, the enemy will tempt you with a counterfeit version of purpose (in a man you could be with) to blind you from seeing how you’re at the brink of destiny and God’s purpose for you wrapped up in a man set apart for you that is ever so close.

I say it again darling, don’t give your heart in pieces. All or nothing chica. All or nothing. Take it from someone who learned it the hard way.

PS: God redeems and even restores virginity (physical and purity of mind) in the spirit so no down and outers here for the fallen. Been there love. So even though sex outside the bonds of marriage is destructive and soul tearing, it will be healing and redemptive in marriage where God designed it for (if you enter marriage God’s way and no, that doesn’t mean by doing a church wedding but by walking in purity and a life lived in obedience to God). And this is possible. I’m a testimony of God’s redemptive work in my life and marriage. There’s hope chica. And let them roll their eyes when you say it coz my goodness, you’re so worth it, you are!

I leave you with this song that rings true about God and sheds light to God’s similar Divine mark in the soul of a woman, how she loves and longs to be loved.

xo with all my heart,

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