Me whipping my hair back after saying I Do ready to kiss this gorgeous man I’m lucky to call husby 😉
I wrote this post back in 2015 and it’s a joy to relive it again. It came to mind during a conversation we had on our married couples WhatsApp group thanks to this Thriving Marriages post. It’s a goody! Especially for married folk.
Enjoy them both!
“To be fully seen by somebody, and be loved anyhow – this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert
“In one moment, we are now forever, in one moment…”
― Paul Goldman
So, you said your vows, shared your first kiss with the man you love, and danced till your knees got weak. You ate cake and sipped on some bubbly, hugged a few relatives and friends, and I bet you took a few pictures. Okay. Maybe a lot. If you’re like me, you also kept your bouquet close and had them longing for it from a distance in case you tossed it. You didn’t.
By the end of the day, you’re tired of the rushed hugs. You just want to leave. So you miss a sunset shoot that your photographers so badly wanted to capture at a field. But it was time. You were wiped and your make-up was beginning to cake on your skin. You watch as your gorgeous husband packs your large suitcase into the car. You exhale.
He opens the car door for you and you welcome the feeling of freedom rushing into your tired frame as you slide into the backseat. The car starts and he reaches for your hand. You smile and take it all in as you’re chauffeured away. You’re married now…
You get to the hotel and wish that you took the scenic route. They confirm your booking and a porter swoops in to escort you and your bags to your room. He struggles a little with your suitcase. It’s heavy in comparison to your husband’s duffel bag but he doesn’t mention it. Must be used to this kind of thing. You know, women.
You happen to catch your reflection inside the elevator. Your hair, which was all curly and coiffed for the better part of the day, is now a frizzy bear hair mess. That’s no matter. But you gasp at your face, all oily with traces of make up from a past life. You look like you’re in your late 30s. Yikes! This is why you don’t do make up, you remind yourself.
You glance at your husband and wonder if he thinks the same. You make a point to dash into the bathroom to clean up the mess living on your face once you get to the room. The elevator doors open and you’re thankful that the hotel honoured your request for a room on a higher floor. It’s at the end of the 5th floor hallway. Perfect. You unlock the door with your key card and thank the porter for his help. Once he leaves, you both jump on the bed and sigh. This is it. This is when your honeymoon begins…
Aaah. Yes. The awkwardness of the first night/time. Classic. Will you take a rain check so you can both pass out after such as hectic day? Will you stare at each other for the better part of the night? Who will make the first move? Teren teren…
At a good pre-marital counselling class, you’re taught that when it comes to sex, just like Adam and Eve, you’re both supposed to be naked and not ashamed. That means lights on and wearing your muffin top like it’s fresh off the runway and your stretch marks like tiger skin chica. That means you’ve resolved your past (that both of you are aware of) and are not bringing it into your present and future life together. It’s a clean slate. And that also means that there’s room for a lot of laughter and adventure in between. Like marriage, sex is a journey and an adventure. It gets better with the years.
Here’s the thing though, in the movies, the couple is supposed to get to the hotel room and tear off each others clothes (assuming that she’s not in her wedding gown coz those are hard to get out of). But you just shared your first kiss a few hours ago and you’ve practically never seen each other naked. Yeah. A little bit of a leap there Hollywood. It could go any which way at this point.
For some, cuing some music might take the edge off. (Side note: We could use some more Christian love songs. You don’t have to mention God. Just sing about love) Or you might just decide to be chic rambo and go gungho on the whole thing. Atta girl! Yo. Do you! Like I said, it’s supposed to be adventure. You’re starting on a journey and there’s bound to be a lot of discovery along the way.
I will say this though: Don’t pressure yourself (or her/him) about making love on your wedding night. People ease into things at a different pace. And like I said, first times are awkward. Learn to be at home in the uneasiness. Welcome it. Enjoy it. Laugh about it. Be sensitive and aware of how your spouse is processing this uneasiness. She might just want to talk for a while instead and that’s okay. Remember, love is firstly patient.
I will also say this: Sometimes, a perfect day and union is crowned best with a physical oneness shared at the end of the night. It’ll leave you smiling, or laughing, or both, at the memory of your wedding day for years to come. And it’s a great way to begin walking on this journey. But like I said, people are different. Go with what works for you both.
That said, allow me to share a funny story about sliding doors and openness. Now what I love about hotel rooms is that there’s one bathroom, a loo and two people. So if one is showering, and the other needs to use the loo, it’s gonna happen and there won’t be any room for pretending or holding back. Coz you know, when you gotta go, you gotta go!
So anyway, on our honeymoon night, much much later, I needed to go to the bathroom for the big one. But I was a bag of nerves, so much that I couldn’t go. Like, I couldn’t go. The hotel room had a gorgeous sliding door separating the bedroom from the bathroom but it got jammed and couldn’t close. So it was about 40% open. Yikes. I was so subconsciously freaked out that the ‘mystery’ would be gone as soon as I began to do the do that I couldn’t go no matter how many times I tried, and believe me, I tried! I think I was only able to use the loo the following morning.
Our second hotel room in the last half of our honeymoon (mostly the bathroom) helped us ease into an openness that set a big foundation for our marriage. We could have ‘kept the mystery alive’ by privately using the bathroom and loo even though we both needed to use them at the same time but like I said, we need to be at home in the unease, discomfort and awkward in our lives.
But we do this thing called marriage naked and not ashamed, remember? There’s pretty much no private life in marriage (and no, this is not about the bathroom. It’s mostly about keeping things to yourself and secrets from your spouse) and if there is, that’s a problem. Two become one, yes? You’ll learn that some of the awkward things you fear are a little silly and can keep you from a deeper openness and oneness with your spouse.
There’s a reason why the Bible says, “And Adam knew Eve.”
It will open you up to things about yourself or your husband that you were previously unaware of.
What a mystery! And because of the exclusivity of covenant plus the naked and not ashamed foundation, there’s a badassery that I think believers should have when it comes to bedroom affairs because of the foundation of truth and openness in marriage.
All in all, I’m just so glad I can share anything with my husband and that I’m comfortable around him no matter the setting thanks to the soft nudge and magic of a jammed hotel room sliding door.