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Motherhood

Our Testimony (part of it) Part 2

📷: @wacuwamahiu 💄: @makeupbywamuyu

Catch up on part 1 here.

You know, just because I’m on this side of things doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten the other side of things.

I see you.

Mama in waiting. Years of marriage logged with empty arms. Days spent falling out of love with your body that’s not doing what seems natural for others.

I see you.

Throwing the negative pregnancy test into the bin for the 6th month in a row. I know the tears that come when your periods start. How it shatters hope. How it aches when you have to look into your husband’s eyes and shake your head to let him know it didn’t take.

I see you.

You were moved by her story but you feel entwined in it now – the woman with the issue of blood. I know the foolishness of believing again, and again, and again that it will be different this time only for you to see that stain when you go pee. No one tells you that your last miscarriage will almost always be your new start date for your menstrual cycle. As if your heart is strong enough to beat with that punch.

I see you.

Fibroids and PCOS, unknowns and delays. You never asked your womb to grow anything. Just a baby.

I see you.

Mama who breathed in her baby for what feels like a blink of an eye only to lose them shortly after birth.

I see you.

Mama who realized the baby they were carrying and just delivered stayed longer in heaven’s arms when your arms would do just fine.

I see you because I’ve been through it.

I know the loneliness. I understand the tears. I know the tormenting dreams. The callousness of people who mean well but only wound you further in the process. I know how hard it is to smile at a baby shower when the emotions are still raw. I see the secrets & scars no one but you and your spouse know. I know the questions that won’t give you rest. The missing peace, so elusive, when you so badly want a miracle.

I never meant for my pregnancy posts to be a trigger. Not at all. Even for the mamas who had difficult pregnancies.

Why I’m belabouring all this is because I want to urge you to fight, believe, pray, pursue and persist in going for what doctors may have called impossible. Impossible is the main ingredient for miracles. It’s the key and golden lined invitation for God to step in. And when He steps in, EVERYTHING changes. Everything!

When I was pregnant for a few months back in 2018, I remember the day God whispered to my heart that,“With this baby, you will be born anew.” Such a delicious word 😊 I beamed and thought I understood what He meant.

Then when I miscarried (hate that word) some weeks after, those words became sharp. “Wait, God. Did you say with the birth of this baby? With this baby? I have no baby 😭” But in that hard time and consecutive challenges, I have walked with God and He with me in ways I’m not too sure I’d have accessed that fast.

Pain, struggle, challenges bore you deep in God. They do. But you have to keep pressing in past the no. Past the anger. Past the pain. Show up with it all and remain. He’ll take it away.

It’s not cruel. God is never cruel. Why are we so quick to picture a fat God eating grapes and scrolling on the timelines of our lives saying, “Let’s see. Hmmm… Koki has had a relatively easy time. Let me throw death. No. Rape, maybe? No. Miscarriage. Yes. Let me throw a miscarriage her way and see how she’ll fare on.” Nope. Not God. Sounds a lot like someone else, right?

Why do we forget that we live in a fallen world? Show me someone without the bruises that come earthside. Show me. There’s none. I mean, even Jesus left earth with a couple of bruises. And He still wears the scars today!

But we have the power to overcome in Christ. And He did so as man (to show us we can too 😊) on the cross that connects us to redemption and the Godhead. We have power to shame the devil who seeks to kill, steal and destroy.

Get mad! Get amped! Get going!

Just coz something bad has happened doesn’t mean God isn’t working in you to turn it around.

Awaken to who you are. Settle for nothing but the highest best in God. It’s all He thinks, wants and dreams for you.

Your miracle is at hand…

Just as I have been open with my struggle to get here, I needed to share that you too CAN and WILL make it to the other side of the miracle you’re pushing and praying for just like I did. Just like we did.

I’m not kidding when I say you’re next in line.

xo,

  • Reply
    Caroline
    May 4, 2020 at 7:55 pm

    Very encouraging blog. I’m right in the middle of this journey, after a miscarriage (12 weeks) followed by a still birth (34 weeks).
    I maybe will get the strength to talk about it someday…. Just maybe.
    I resonate with you on so many aspects.
    I am happy for your blessings, and I do tap on it but I’m scared as hell.

    • Reply
      Koki
      May 5, 2020 at 10:51 am

      Oh, Carol. My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry and I hope you know God is so sorry too. Because He is. We always want Him to be the Warrior King in certain circumstances in our lives. But sometimes, He comes as a dove to comfort us. A nurse to tend to our wounds. MayGod heal your heart and restore your joy sevenfold ❤︎

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